There was a family that had twin boys. Worried that the boys had developed extreme personalities – one was a total pessimist, the other a total optimist – their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with brand-new toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked, baffled. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?”

“Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.”

Next the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist emitted just the yelp of delight the psychiatrist had been hoping to hear from his brother, the pessimist. Then he clambered to the top of the pile, dropped to his knees, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands.

“What do you think you’re doing?’ the psychiatrist asked, just as baffled by the optimist as he had been by the pessimist.

“With all this manure,” the little boy replied, beaming, “there must be a pony in here somewhere!” 

I love this story.  It reminds me that I need to look for the good even in the trying times.  I remember how trying the COVID lockdowns were.  Maybe you remember that I experienced a mental meltdown one afternoon–I grabbed my hiking boots and raged out the door for Badger.  I hiked with all of my might and about 12 minutes in, when I could barely breathe anymore–and I started to laugh.  I thought to myself, “Wait a minute, I teach and coach on this…on having a good attitude in the midst of a lousy circumstance.” 

There’s a gap between the knowing and the doing and I needed to begin the doing…period.

I realized that I couldn’t write this stuff for you if I wasn’t walking my talk. A huge part of leadership is leading by example…and I certainly was not a stellar example.  I started looking for the ponies…daily.  Here are some that I found back then: Dennis was considered essential and was still working. I connected by Zoom with those I love. I learned how to play games online with others. I also developed the skills to hold training workshops on Zoom.  I was (and still am) extremely healthy. I worked out with WalMart resistance bands and that helped my stress level.  Spring was more beautiful that year because I had more time to appreciate it. My faith in God grew. 

I found out some things about myself, too.  I need people more than I thought. That’s a huge “aha!” for a task-oriented person. I also learned that the feeling of powerlessness can wreak havoc on my attitude. As a recovering control freak, I knew that, but the lockdown was an intense reminder.  If I can’t control it, which is most of life right, I needed to not stress about it. 

What prompted this email was a memory that popped up on Facebook from this time in 2020.  Seeing that memory was a great reminder for me that I still need to look for ponies in the pile of manure that I may experience. 

Think about it–they are in that pile. 

Still learning to dig,

In the last couple of weeks, I have had these questions come up. “What can I do to have more influence over my supervisor?”  “How can I tell my boss he needs leadership training?”  “How do I convince people they need leadership skills when they don’t think they do?”

These are great questions. When one is used to being the leader, being told what to do or how to do it isn’t very comfortable. I’m in that position now and it’s an interesting feeling. As a task-oriented person, and a former CEO, it’s difficult to serve with people who take forever to make decisions. I think that my way could be a better, faster way, often. (and maybe it’s not, either:)  I’ve not had to lead from within for a long time and I’ve made some great discoveries. 

I read John’s Maxwell’s book, “360 Degree Leader.” The book is about developing the ability to lead from anywhere in an organization. So let me give you some answers to those questions from that book and from my experiences: 

1. We need to lead ourselves first with excellence and then model that behavior. Remember, we can’t give what we don’t have, AND we don’t get who we want, we get who we are. Great behavior influences those around us for the better.

2. We need to understand what is important to our leader. What is the mission of the organization from which your leader operates, or should? Really try and connect with your leader by investing in that relationship. John says to be a champion of what your leader desires. 

3. We aren’t always right. WHAT? Yes, keep an open mind and be willing to see your supervisor’s perspective. If it is not clear what is desired, ask questions with all gentleness and respect. Show curiosity and an eagerness to learn. Understand that your leader has the overall organizational picture in mind, not just your current situation. 

4. Know when to push back and when to back off. We must read the atmosphere of our workplace to determine the best timing to confront or wait for a better time. This doesn’t mean we never bring the situation up again, it just means we discern the right time. 

5. Be known as the “go-to” person. Develop the ability and willingness to tackle the tasks given us without complaining (or allowing our judger self to arise:) Make sure our body language agrees, as well, when we say, “Sure, I’ll do that,” even if the task is not our job description.   

6. Lastly, on this list anyway…and maybe it should be first. Make it your goal to make your leader successful. Be a team player and lighten your supervisor’s load–when he/she is successful, the whole organization succeeds. 

Yeah, if you were one who asked the questions, you probably didn’t want to hear any of this. We already know, especially if we have teenagers or spouses…or bosses, that we are unable to change anyone else. Transformation starts with me.

Go ahead, model great leadership behavior for those around you. It becomes contagious. If those who lead you are unable to “get it,” your own life will change. You will be transformed in the process and that, my friends, is so worth it. 

Thank you for asking, 

Jan

Imagination is what allows us to create a life we wish we had.  By exercising that magnificent mental muscle, we can change our life’s outcome through our creative imagination by taking a moment and really imagining what it is we want – with clear details and practicing this everyday until what was once an idea becomes our reality. 

Without imagination we wouldn’t have all of the things around us.  Take the light bulb; Thomas Edison worked diligently on perfecting a commercially manufactured light bulb.  He imagined that it was possible and eventually achieved success.  He has been quoted as saying “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”  What if he had not used his imagination and believed in the possibility? 

When my coaching clients learn and practice this, they have amazing breakthroughs!

Napolean Hill devotes a whole chapter to imagination in his book, “Think and Grow Rich.”  While we can imagine all sorts of fabulous dreams and scenes in our minds, I think we forget that we can use our imagination in a negative way–when we worry.  Worry is when we focus on a future negative. We often focus on and imagine those particular negative scenarios taking place in our lives.

And the funny thing is, those events, circumstances, and conditions haven’t even transpired yet, and we don’t even know if they ever will.  Ninety percent of the things we worry about never happen anyway.  But we so often worry ourselves sick (quite literally), imagining all the possible negative scenarios that could play out.

What are you worried about today? If you stop for a moment and reflect on what it is you’re thinking about, are you focusing on what it is that you want in your life, what it is that you desire, or are you focused on the exact opposite; on what you don’t want to happen? 

As Napoleon Hill said, and I truly believe, “your only limitation in life is in the development and use of your imagination.” Why not develop your imagination and focus on what you truly desire in your life–because what we focus on grows and multiplies. 

Imagining a warm, sandy beach in 2024,

Attachment is a feeling that binds one to a person, thing, cause, ideal, or the like. It is the state of being attached. Many of us have new goals for 2024 and we’re excited about them! If we are going to achieve those goals, we’re going to have to make some changes. If we think the way we always have, we’ll always get what we’ve already gotten. 

Some of those changes may not be obvious, so we’re going to have to do some reflecting and deep digging to find out what needs to be changed…or what needs to be let go of. What are we attached to?  We have all sorts of commitments, ideals and beliefs to live the life that we are currently living. If we want to change our current results, significant change is necessary.  “That’s just the way I am” is not going to get improved results.
 

“We don’t attach to people or things, we attach to uninvestigated concepts that we believe to be true at the moment.”  Katie Byron
 

Ouch!

Since weight loss is the number one New Year’s Resolution, let me use that as an example. If we are going to lose weight, we’re going to have to change the way we shop, cook, the way we eat, and what we eat. We may want to add exercise to make it easier.  

Attachments are sneaky, too, and I still struggle. Even today, when I went grocery shopping, old attachments and accompanying thinking surfaced. “It’s New Year’s weekend, I can have Luau Potato Chips, ice cream and maybe even Life Saver Gummies–then start all over with a healthy diet on Monday!”  Wait, what? Where did that come from?  
 

If we want to enhance our marriages, discover new and better relationships, have richer communications with our kids, make more money, or whatever it is we desire, we will have to be open to new and improved ways of thinking and relating. If we are attached to our old ways, we we won’t be able to see the new opportunities or mindset shifts that can be ours.
 

AND we don’t stay the same, we move forward into growth or backward into sameness and/or safety.  As my friend and mentor, Paul, says, “Nothing in the universe stays the same–it either grows or disintegrates.” 

So how do we unattach? Here’s what I have done (and am still doing):
 

1. Identify what you are holding onto that isn’t serving you anymore. What is not working in your life?  What is your perception of what is holding you back?  It’s usually something that follows the word “because.”  I can’t do this, because…. This won’t work, because…  That will never happen, because…Listen for those sentences. 

2.  Lighten up. I can tell you one thing that needs to be dumped and that is your past. Harvest the good from your past and let go of the rest. Let go of old mindsets, self-created illusions and assumptions that no longer serve you.  Leave old resentments, judgments  and being offended behind–they weigh more than you imagine. (That will be your first 10 pounds of weight loss. You’re welcome:) 

3. “Stop grasping at the things that are Mine.”  Yeah, God told me that a couple of years ago and I’m still trying to get it. Open your grasp and let go of things that you can’t control.  Let go of the way you’ve always done everything and be open to change. Get adventurous! Venture out of your comfort zone.  

When was the last time you tried something new?  You  have choices. You  can choose to change and infinitely enhance your life. You can live a life  of joy and adventure, or you can step back into “That’s just the way I am.”  And 2024 will be here before you know it, and everything will be the same as 2023… or even 2022 if we don’t let go of old attachments.

Does this email sound tough and mean?  I wouldn’t be writing about this if I didn’t have personal attachments to deal with. Just when I think I have arrived, Attachment #257 rears its ugly head.  

AND I know you. Your potential is limitless and you wouldn’t be on this email list if you didn’t want something more. I believe in you. You have so much more value than you are giving yourself credit for. The world needs all of your gifts and talents…badly.  Not only that, but you deserve to live the freedom that living without attachments will bring you. 

I paid off Truffle’s medical bills yesterday.  It ended up being more than I anticipated, which frustrated me. I explained to the pet insurance lady, Danielle,  that I understood it to be less.  She pulled up all the bills and she was right. It was so annoying. I was thinking of my best retort when she looked at me with sad eyes and said, “I just paid off my dog’s last chemo and I work here. I understand how you feel. You and I did everything we could to make our babies’ lives better and longer…and then we lost them.  I lost Sandy in March.  It was not only devastating, but I felt so powerless and empty.”

That witty retort disappeared when I felt the sadness welling up in me for her, too. I quietly got out my American Express Card and handed it to her. “I’m so sorry for your loss, too.” 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t do more for you,” Danielle said as she handed me my receipt. “We’re sorry we couldn’t to more for Truffle.”

I made it to the car before I cried. It’s a good thing, too, because I’m an ugly crier. I sat there for awhile because I couldn’t see to drive.  I also didn’t realize how raw I still feel sometimes and how much I still miss Truffle. 

Grief is weird. It shows up in the most surprising times and sometimes for the most interesting events.

When I got home, I grabbed my journal so I could process my feelings by writing. I couldn’t shake the melancholy–which was NOT good because I had a workshop in the next two hours. 

Here’s what I found. Some of the grief was for my prior position as CEO, too.  My workshop was for a pregnancy medical center and I’d been running through all my memories from those 14 years as I prepared. That’s just weird, because I left that position to start my own coaching/training business in 2018. I realized that I missed that leadership position and the people that I worked with. 

AND I was tired. I’ve been incredibly and thankfully busy these last three weeks. This is the time for strategic planning workshops for organizations. I love helping teams flesh out their vision for the next year, and since each team has different needs, my workshop planning needs to reflect that, so I can meet their specific needs. Writing to meet their needs tooks lots of thought. 

How did I move out the melancholy?  Remembering the good. I took the time to reflect on all the good times that we had with Truffle.

She could be so funny. Like the picture. She thought she was totally hidden under the bed.  She got so excited when anything from Amazon came because she thought it was hers. And it was sometimes. She loved to run like the wind. I got so much joy just watching her off leash. The list is long. 

I remembered the good from my position as CEO, too. I thanked God for all He had taught me at that job and was grateful to pass that on to another center. 

Then I worshipped. If you are not a person of faith, you can pull out your favorite play list and dance and sing. That’s what I did. I closed the shades to my office first–my neighbors still think I’m a bubble off off of level–and I danced and sang. 

The melancholy moved out. 

I don’t know if this email helped you at all. It helped me. Thank you for listening. 

If you need someone to help you process your grief (I am not a licensed counselor.) or any kind of feelings, I’m an email away.  We can be there for each other–like Danielle was there for me.