Attachment is a feeling that binds one to a person, thing, cause, ideal, or the like. It is the state of being attached. Many of us have new goals for 2024 and we’re excited about them! If we are going to achieve those goals, we’re going to have to make some changes. If we think the way we always have, we’ll always get what we’ve already gotten. 

Some of those changes may not be obvious, so we’re going to have to do some reflecting and deep digging to find out what needs to be changed…or what needs to be let go of. What are we attached to?  We have all sorts of commitments, ideals and beliefs to live the life that we are currently living. If we want to change our current results, significant change is necessary.  “That’s just the way I am” is not going to get improved results.
 

“We don’t attach to people or things, we attach to uninvestigated concepts that we believe to be true at the moment.”  Katie Byron
 

Ouch!

Since weight loss is the number one New Year’s Resolution, let me use that as an example. If we are going to lose weight, we’re going to have to change the way we shop, cook, the way we eat, and what we eat. We may want to add exercise to make it easier.  

Attachments are sneaky, too, and I still struggle. Even today, when I went grocery shopping, old attachments and accompanying thinking surfaced. “It’s New Year’s weekend, I can have Luau Potato Chips, ice cream and maybe even Life Saver Gummies–then start all over with a healthy diet on Monday!”  Wait, what? Where did that come from?  
 

If we want to enhance our marriages, discover new and better relationships, have richer communications with our kids, make more money, or whatever it is we desire, we will have to be open to new and improved ways of thinking and relating. If we are attached to our old ways, we we won’t be able to see the new opportunities or mindset shifts that can be ours.
 

AND we don’t stay the same, we move forward into growth or backward into sameness and/or safety.  As my friend and mentor, Paul, says, “Nothing in the universe stays the same–it either grows or disintegrates.” 

So how do we unattach? Here’s what I have done (and am still doing):
 

1. Identify what you are holding onto that isn’t serving you anymore. What is not working in your life?  What is your perception of what is holding you back?  It’s usually something that follows the word “because.”  I can’t do this, because…. This won’t work, because…  That will never happen, because…Listen for those sentences. 

2.  Lighten up. I can tell you one thing that needs to be dumped and that is your past. Harvest the good from your past and let go of the rest. Let go of old mindsets, self-created illusions and assumptions that no longer serve you.  Leave old resentments, judgments  and being offended behind–they weigh more than you imagine. (That will be your first 10 pounds of weight loss. You’re welcome:) 

3. “Stop grasping at the things that are Mine.”  Yeah, God told me that a couple of years ago and I’m still trying to get it. Open your grasp and let go of things that you can’t control.  Let go of the way you’ve always done everything and be open to change. Get adventurous! Venture out of your comfort zone.  

When was the last time you tried something new?  You  have choices. You  can choose to change and infinitely enhance your life. You can live a life  of joy and adventure, or you can step back into “That’s just the way I am.”  And 2024 will be here before you know it, and everything will be the same as 2023… or even 2022 if we don’t let go of old attachments.

Does this email sound tough and mean?  I wouldn’t be writing about this if I didn’t have personal attachments to deal with. Just when I think I have arrived, Attachment #257 rears its ugly head.  

AND I know you. Your potential is limitless and you wouldn’t be on this email list if you didn’t want something more. I believe in you. You have so much more value than you are giving yourself credit for. The world needs all of your gifts and talents…badly.  Not only that, but you deserve to live the freedom that living without attachments will bring you. 

I paid off Truffle’s medical bills yesterday.  It ended up being more than I anticipated, which frustrated me. I explained to the pet insurance lady, Danielle,  that I understood it to be less.  She pulled up all the bills and she was right. It was so annoying. I was thinking of my best retort when she looked at me with sad eyes and said, “I just paid off my dog’s last chemo and I work here. I understand how you feel. You and I did everything we could to make our babies’ lives better and longer…and then we lost them.  I lost Sandy in March.  It was not only devastating, but I felt so powerless and empty.”

That witty retort disappeared when I felt the sadness welling up in me for her, too. I quietly got out my American Express Card and handed it to her. “I’m so sorry for your loss, too.” 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t do more for you,” Danielle said as she handed me my receipt. “We’re sorry we couldn’t to more for Truffle.”

I made it to the car before I cried. It’s a good thing, too, because I’m an ugly crier. I sat there for awhile because I couldn’t see to drive.  I also didn’t realize how raw I still feel sometimes and how much I still miss Truffle. 

Grief is weird. It shows up in the most surprising times and sometimes for the most interesting events.

When I got home, I grabbed my journal so I could process my feelings by writing. I couldn’t shake the melancholy–which was NOT good because I had a workshop in the next two hours. 

Here’s what I found. Some of the grief was for my prior position as CEO, too.  My workshop was for a pregnancy medical center and I’d been running through all my memories from those 14 years as I prepared. That’s just weird, because I left that position to start my own coaching/training business in 2018. I realized that I missed that leadership position and the people that I worked with. 

AND I was tired. I’ve been incredibly and thankfully busy these last three weeks. This is the time for strategic planning workshops for organizations. I love helping teams flesh out their vision for the next year, and since each team has different needs, my workshop planning needs to reflect that, so I can meet their specific needs. Writing to meet their needs tooks lots of thought. 

How did I move out the melancholy?  Remembering the good. I took the time to reflect on all the good times that we had with Truffle.

She could be so funny. Like the picture. She thought she was totally hidden under the bed.  She got so excited when anything from Amazon came because she thought it was hers. And it was sometimes. She loved to run like the wind. I got so much joy just watching her off leash. The list is long. 

I remembered the good from my position as CEO, too. I thanked God for all He had taught me at that job and was grateful to pass that on to another center. 

Then I worshipped. If you are not a person of faith, you can pull out your favorite play list and dance and sing. That’s what I did. I closed the shades to my office first–my neighbors still think I’m a bubble off off of level–and I danced and sang. 

The melancholy moved out. 

I don’t know if this email helped you at all. It helped me. Thank you for listening. 

If you need someone to help you process your grief (I am not a licensed counselor.) or any kind of feelings, I’m an email away.  We can be there for each other–like Danielle was there for me. 

Are Dennis and I the only couple that speaks–okay–yells at each other from 
different parts of our home?

Do we all genuinely have the interest to want to know the answer to this question when we see someone, “How are you doing?” Do we all genuinely want to know the answer to this question when we see someone, “How are you doing?”

When was the last time you were misunderstood? Or when has someone told us something and we didn’t hear? When was the last time you asked a question and when you answered the other person was looking at their cell phone the whole time? 

I don’t remember where I read this, but in one of John Maxwell’s books, he says that the best gift we can give, the best way we can add value to another, is to listen to them. 

When was the last time someone actually listened to hear what you were saying…they weren’t thinking about how they were going to reply?  Did they seem really interested in what you were saying? 

I have to confess that when I am in the middle of a task, my listening skills can fly right out the window. Or I perceive that someone is taking way too long to finish their thought and I interrupt and finish it for them. OOOOOKAAAAYYY.  

Let’s look at some ways that we can add value to others by giving them the gift of listening.  

1. Put down our cell phones, close our computers, turn off the television and shut the iPad. Give the other person the gift of our full attention. When I am in the middle of something, I have learned that I need to ask the person if they can wait a moment until I finish what I’m doing. If I don’t, I will still be thinking about my task and won’t be focused on what they are saying.

2. Maintain eye contact–that prevents us drifting out of the conversation.  

3. Refrain from judging. Judging prevents clarity in hearing their thoughts and we expend our energy forming an opinion rather than really hearing. Slipping into judger mode or becoming defensive causes the fight or flight response in our body.  You know what that does…all the blood drains out of our brains into our extremities so we can flee the situation or put up our dukes.  How good is our listening or even our thinking when that happens?

4. After the other person has spoken, repeat back to them in the form of a rephrase. These recapping statements are tentatively spoken. We can start with, “I heard you say,” or “Did I hear this right?” Then rephrase or recap what you heard.  This gives them the opportunity to elaborate in the case that we heard incorrectly, or they weren’t clear in their sharing. 

5. Be curious. Listen for the words behind the words. Seek to understand the full meaning of what they’re saying, and by all means, don’t interrupt or finish their sentences. 

When someone listens to me with their full attention, I feel appreciated, cared for and valued. I think I may have written this for me, but I hope you’re getting  some value, as well.  Big smiley face here.  You always know where I’m struggling from these emails…or what I’m teaching on the next week:)  Challenge yourself this week to listen like this…give the gift of your full attention. 

I bet you have other suggestions to add to my list.  Please email me if you do!  

I’m listening, 

Jan

Jan McDonald